First quarter of the year, bleaker than usual but also uplifting in unexpected ways.
The complete emotional exhaustion of Dads funeral, the relief of finally being allowed to complete the paperwork giving way to overwhelming bleakness of grief, watching the world go back to its rhythm while I am adrift, tiptoeing round my childhood home pretending to start the clearing process but instead submerging myself in memories.
I read that there are two types of people, those who like to be sad with people and those who like to be sad alone. I am definitely the latter. I have found solace in beach walking. A beach a month, different beaches and I know that I lucky to be able to get to the coast easily.
I have restarted running at the beginning of January which was a slog after having breast surgery in November, but it eased into necessity soothing the soul as much as anything else. Although I did get shouted at by a lady who I ran past. Granted I made her jump but she continued pretty much screaming at me after I apologised, really loudly too must have woken the street long after I was out of her line of vision.
I have taken myself of dates on my own, exploring museums and art galleries in my home town which I have ignored since we arrived a couple of years ago.
Grief is like a vapour that finds its way around every crevice of life. Rising to the surface at times, bubbling in the deep while life continues, which it does of course. There has been the sudden urge to embrace life in a way which is reminiscent of post cancer treatment but as a way of honouring the essence of not only my Dad but my mother too.
At some point I will write the idiots guide to probate, but that will only be possible when I have worked out how to navigate probate. In the meantime I will ponder why, as humans we complicate both life and death with red tape and admin, whilst continuing to find joy in the simple and worthless treasures found in my parents loft.
It’s going to be ok….
Much love xx
The Frank Journals 